DILEMMA

THIS IS BY FAR ONE OF THE BIGGEST REGRETS i’VE EVER HAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

Why don’t I ever learn? Why? Oh WHY???

I don’t even know where to start. All I’m sure of is I am ABSOLUTELY down in the dumps. I feel like my future is going down the drain. My life is currently a mess. Crap. Crap. cRap.

And there’s no one to blame but myself. The ball was in my court. I shouldn’t have decided that so impulsively. It was stupid, reckless and simply ill-founded.

Now I can’t take things back.

But the worst part of it is I don’t know HOW else to remedy this dilemma. I am stuck in a dead end with nowhere to go. I don’t know how to solve it because there’s only one thing that I’d like to do–to get it back, but I can’t. I can no longer do that. THanks to me, Ms. Impulsive Decision-Maker!!!!

Honestly, I don’t know what to do. I feel like a bum.I AM a bum. But I don’t want to stay this way anymore.. What am I gonna do?

Knock, knock,knock…CAn somebody please help my drowning soul…?

But I don’t want help. I just want to do things on my own, from now on. I want to do things independently, without supervision. I am in a withdrawal period. I’ve suffered from too much–way too much–addiction to emotional dependence. And now, I am sober. I don’t want help. I don’t even want to discuss my problem with anybody. Whenever somebody asks me about it, I just shrug them off as if everything is ok, as if it’s still there.

Probably I’m still in a state of denial; I haven’t fully accepted what has happened.

It’s such a BIG CHANGE!!! I feel like something that dominated half of my life has suddenly been snatched away from me. I was caught off guard!
I wasn’t thinking that morning. I wasn’t in my right mind at all! And when I woke up.. all the heavy feeling and rationalities just came flooding right through me. I knew then that I’d make a very, VERY BIG MISTAKE. Bigmistake. Big. Too bad, I cannot click on Ctrl X to have it undone. Dammit.

Now tell me, what the heck am I suppose to do? Stare at the ceiling until another one comes along? THe thing is, I DON’T WANT ANOTHER ONE.

Why oh why oh why oh why did I decide like that? WHY?????

I was doing well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was getting along with everybody just FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was already on my way to advancement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was learning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG. OMG. I am going CRAZY.

What am I gonna do with myself?

whewwww…it feels somehow relieving to have jotted all of this down.

Well, I’m not yet losing my mind. I still have this flicker of hope that someday things will get better–even better. But for now, I have to learn how to deal with THIS feeling.

I can’t end my life just because of this. It’s not the end of the world for me. No. No.No.

I just have to put things into perspective and I know–I’m sure of it– that everything’s gonna be alright.

I have to start all over again. I don’t know how long it would take before I get another fulfilling and satisfying one. But I KNOW I will get it.

Hope. Faith. Right perspective. Positive disposition.

Whew.

Add comment March 19, 2009