I CAN’T SHAKE IT OFF
March 21, 2009
antigone1286
why do I still feel this way?
I am trying every single day.
I’m trying to be alright. i LOOK alright. REfreshed even.
But inside, I feel rotten. Decaying. Lifeless.
WHY?
I don’t know. I think that is one of the hardest things one has to encounter–bring in such major depression and yet not knowing the cause of it.
Is it because I gave it up too soon? Yes,I think so. Yes, I think that’s it. And maybe..up to this moment I still haven’t fully accepted that I WAS THE CULPRIT.
bUT…no… it’s so unfair.
I want to be a martyr but..no…should I take all the blame? Part of me wants to take it all. Part of me wants to SHARE it. It’s not all my fault,you know…
We both commited the mistake that led to this…but why am I the only one suffering?
OMG I want to cry. But I don’t want to. OMG, I’m contradicting myself.
No. I don’t want to cry, because even if I let the tears flow on my cheeks.. Istill feel numb. It doesn’t make things any better.
THIS IS THE PROBLEM. THIS IS MY PLIGHT!
I am suffering.. I am in pain…
But I don’t know the solution…
Or maybe I do know…It’s just that I don’t want THAT–I don’t want to wait for another lifetime for it to come along.
That thought makes me feel so horrible I want to die. Don’tget me wrong, I’m not suicidal ok? It’sjust that I feel so hopeless when I think about it. And I am trying NOT to think about it anymore because it just makes me down.. SAd.. And then it’ll start all over again, that REGRETFUL feeling…the feeling of having made a huge mistake…
Honestly, the problem is not really that big. But since it’s applied to ME, TO MY CASE.. it becomes a little more complicated. Because I’m not THAT flexible, physically, emotionally and mentally. You can’t make me do things I know in my heart I refuse to do… THsat’s why it’s excruciating just thinking about finding a new one. Because I believe that the one I had given up was the sole answer to my long time prayers. And yet I was so BLIND AND STUPID AND UNGRATEFUL AND IMPULSIVE AND RECKLESS and all that crap that I didn’t see what a great gift it was for me!!!!!!!!!!
Sigh…
My future,as of the moment, …when I envision it? It’s downright bleak. DArk. Blurry.
Right now, I’m still searching for something that would give me hope so I won’t breakdown.
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
Leave a Comment
Some HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
Trackback this post | Subscribe to comments via RSS Feed
