THe Art of Being in Pain

Oftentimes…his absence makes each second unbearably painful. I’ve become overly-dependent that every waking moment without his presence seems like an abyss of emptiness. 

… I just have to get past those painful minutes.

Once I have, things will eventually come to perspective.

Add comment June 14, 2009 antigone1286

Nakakasawa

Nakakasawa nang i-please ang mga tao sa mundo.

Katulad ngayong gabi, nastress lang ako. Bwisit. Mukha ba kong masaya?

Hindi lahat ng nakangiti natutuwa oy.

SA susunod hindi ko na gagawin mga bagay just to please people. Eh di isipin nila gusto nilang isipin. Bastakung wala namang masama sa ginagawa ko, GAGAWIN KO YUN.  Ang hindi makakaintindi, eh sorry na lang.

Ang sarap magsulat ng walang iniisip. I mean, sasabihin ko lahat ng gusto kong sabihin at wala akong pakialam kung mababasa ng lahat ng tao. Sabi nga, “What other people think of you is none of your business.” Eh none of my business pala eh di isipin niyo gusto niyong isipin. Problema niyo na yun, di ko problema yun.

Halata bang bwisit ako? =)

Basta, right now,I just refuse to care if anybody or somebody or whoever is going to think negatively of what I’m  saying. I fact, I want the whole world to know that I am so pissed of with things lately. Ayoko na ring hingin ang opinyon ng iba kasi kung anu anu lang sinasabi nila, eh pag di ko naman gusto sinasabi nila naiinis lang ako lalo. So what’s the use? I’ll just decide for myself so if anything else went wrong, I only have myself to blame. Out na kayo dun. =I What I do with my life is my sole responsibilty. 

If people don’t think it’s a good idea, well, I can’t do anything about that.

I just refuse to do things ONLY because other people want me to do them.

Think what you want to think. I just don’t want to care anymore.  Kakapagod.

Nawawala ganda ko.

Add comment June 14, 2009 antigone1286

Bakit..?

Bakit may mga taong sadyang nakakabwisit..?

Bakit may mga taong sinisira ang buahy ko..?

Bakit may mga taong walang breeding..?

Bakit may mga taong ayaw ko nang makita forever..?

Bakit may mga hypocrites?

Bakit may mga paimbabaw..?

Bakit may mga taong walang inaaming mali sa sarili nila..?

Bakit may mga taong ang sarap isnabin..?

Bakit may mga taong kahit naaargabyado na parang wala lang sa kanila..?

Bakit may mga taong manhid..?

Bakit may taong kung magmahal OA?

Bakit may mga taong nagsusuicide?

Bakit may mga taong dahil sa kanila gusto mong magsuicide..?

Lahat ng mga lintik na taong yan nakasalamuha ko nna.Lintik na buhay to oh.

Hoy! Tamaan sana kayo ng kidlat. Bwisit kayo sinisira niyo buhay ko. Buti na lang maganda ko ahahahahaah YUng mga gustong kumontra eh di gumawa kayo ng sarili niyong blog.

Add comment June 14, 2009 antigone1286

5 SIGNS THAT YOU ARE SELF-ABSORBED

Unless a part of your brain is damaged or your skull is cracked, well, I definitely DON’T suggest that you do do the following:
1. You don’t listen to what other people are saying nor to the things round you.
    You are so immersed in your own thoughts that lending an ear to your
     friend is considered a disruption.

2. You are not interested with the things or events or mostly ANTHING that
    doesn’t relate to YOU. Conversely, your highest points are those moments
    where you are the center of everyone’s attention, whether you’re the
    underdog or the celebrity.

3.  You refuse to do something that would not give you direct happiness or satisfaction.
      Hence,you are rarely find joy in other people’s cherished moments.

4.  You have a knack at destroying your own relationships because you mostly only want
     what’s best for YOU. You’re not into the give-and-take idea. You can be a bit possessive,
     always wanting your partner to have you and you alone in his/her life.

5. You eventually develop excessive attachment to a person that you become over-dependent.
    You cannot exist alone–you always need somebody to accompany you. Achieving inate happiness is,for the most part, impossible without the said person.’

On the other hand, if you find yourself putting an imaginary check with each of these signs, I definitely SUGGEST that you seek counseling or make an ultimate makeover regarding your stinking personality. Self-help books would be handy, I suppose.

Ta-da!

Add comment May 4, 2009 antigone1286
Tags: relationship, selfishness

Have A Nice Life

Life is just simply unfair.

But, hey, whatever.

Basta I’ll be fine no matter what.^_^

I’m sleepy. Antok na ko. Goodnight everyone….hoooooooowwww….

Add comment March 31, 2009 antigone1286

ONE DOWN

I’m happy tonight. I feel fulfilled.

One down.

I can breathe– big inhale..big exhale…. I was able to face one of my fears..

 It’s like a torn was taken out of my system..my heart.  Although.. I know there are still some fears I have yet to conquer.

I’ll be able to turn them into ash SOMEDAY.

And when that day comes… i’LL BE FREE from all of it. ^_^

Keep the faith. Optimism is good.

Add comment March 27, 2009 antigone1286
Tags: Breathe, Fears

RESTLESS SOUL

I want to do so many things in life.

I want to be a freelance journalist who writes about diverse and creative stuff every now and then–one who never runs out of ideas, one who is always mentally active and passionate about what she’s jotting down.

I want to become a Wedding Host–a CHARMING AND ENTERTAINING wedding host. I want to exude confidence in front of wedding guests in a fun-filled and elegant wedding reception. I want to be the emcee, the life-bringer of the party.

I want to be a …what else? hmmm.. i’m thinking…

I want to be a… a master of something..of some field… I want to be an effective public speaker who talks about stuff and is LISTENED TO and BELIEVED IN.

I want to write a novel. A novel of my life, probably. Mylife is by far the most exciting and “best-selling” story I could ever have written …

Oh… I want to become so much more!!!

I also want to be a TRAINER… I want to be the one who tells people they should be like this, they should be like that… they should know this and that…

I also want to become a host of an informative and entertaining television show like TYra Banksand and Oprah Winfrey.. And I want to get paid like them too, hahahah.

I want to have enough money so I can buy all the clothes that I want to wear–FASHION is my PASSION. i CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT wearing beautiful and trendy outfits… I’m not the usual emo-type… I like mixing and matching my outfits every now and then, and getting commended for my style…

Whew…

Oh,God, please help me achieve all my dreams.

I didn’t know I have these dreams until recently…

Hmmmm… Maybe someday I’ll get them all… WE’ll see… ^_^

Add comment March 21, 2009 antigone1286

I CAN’T SHAKE IT OFF

why do I still feel this way?

I am trying every single day.

I’m trying to be alright. i LOOK alright. REfreshed even.

But inside, I feel rotten. Decaying. Lifeless.

WHY?

I don’t know. I think that is one of the hardest things one has to encounter–bring in such major depression and yet not knowing the cause of it.

Is it because I gave it up too soon? Yes,I think so. Yes, I think that’s it. And maybe..up to this moment I still haven’t fully accepted that I WAS THE CULPRIT.

bUT…no… it’s so unfair.
I want to be a martyr but..no…should I take all the blame? Part of me wants to take it all. Part of me wants to SHARE it. It’s not all my fault,you know…

We both commited the mistake that led to this…but why am I the only one suffering?

OMG I want to cry. But I don’t want to. OMG, I’m contradicting myself. 

No. I don’t want to cry, because even if I let the tears flow on my cheeks.. Istill feel numb. It doesn’t make things any better.

THIS IS THE PROBLEM. THIS IS MY PLIGHT!

I am suffering.. I am in pain… 
But I don’t know the solution…

Or maybe I do know…It’s just that I don’t want THAT–I don’t want to wait for another lifetime for it to come along.

That thought makes me feel so horrible I want to die. Don’tget me wrong, I’m not suicidal ok? It’sjust that I feel so hopeless when I think about it. And I am trying NOT to think about it anymore because it just makes me down.. SAd.. And then it’ll start all over again, that REGRETFUL feeling…the feeling of having made a huge mistake… 

Honestly, the problem is not really that big. But since it’s applied to ME, TO MY CASE.. it becomes a little more complicated. Because I’m not THAT flexible, physically, emotionally and mentally. You can’t make me do things I know in my heart I refuse to do… THsat’s why it’s excruciating just thinking about finding a new one. Because I believe that the one I had given up was the sole answer to my long time prayers. And yet I was so BLIND AND STUPID AND UNGRATEFUL AND IMPULSIVE AND RECKLESS and all that crap that I didn’t see what a great gift it was for me!!!!!!!!!!

Sigh…

My future,as of the moment, …when I envision it? It’s downright bleak. DArk. Blurry.

Right now, I’m still searching for something that would give me hope so I won’t breakdown.

Add comment March 21, 2009 antigone1286

DILEMMA

THIS IS BY FAR ONE OF THE BIGGEST REGRETS i’VE EVER HAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

Why don’t I ever learn? Why? Oh WHY???

I don’t even know where to start. All I’m sure of is I am ABSOLUTELY down in the dumps. I feel like my future is going down the drain. My life is currently a mess. Crap. Crap. cRap.

And there’s no one to blame but myself. The ball was in my court. I shouldn’t have decided that so impulsively. It was stupid, reckless and simply ill-founded.

Now I can’t take things back.

But the worst part of it is I don’t know HOW else to remedy this dilemma. I am stuck in a dead end with nowhere to go. I don’t know how to solve it because there’s only one thing that I’d like to do–to get it back, but I can’t. I can no longer do that. THanks to me, Ms. Impulsive Decision-Maker!!!!

Honestly, I don’t know what to do. I feel like a bum.I AM a bum. But I don’t want to stay this way anymore.. What am I gonna do?

Knock, knock,knock…CAn somebody please help my drowning soul…?

But I don’t want help. I just want to do things on my own, from now on. I want to do things independently, without supervision. I am in a withdrawal period. I’ve suffered from too much–way too much–addiction to emotional dependence. And now, I am sober. I don’t want help. I don’t even want to discuss my problem with anybody. Whenever somebody asks me about it, I just shrug them off as if everything is ok, as if it’s still there.

Probably I’m still in a state of denial; I haven’t fully accepted what has happened.

It’s such a BIG CHANGE!!! I feel like something that dominated half of my life has suddenly been snatched away from me. I was caught off guard!
I wasn’t thinking that morning. I wasn’t in my right mind at all! And when I woke up.. all the heavy feeling and rationalities just came flooding right through me. I knew then that I’d make a very, VERY BIG MISTAKE. Bigmistake. Big. Too bad, I cannot click on Ctrl X to have it undone. Dammit.

Now tell me, what the heck am I suppose to do? Stare at the ceiling until another one comes along? THe thing is, I DON’T WANT ANOTHER ONE.

Why oh why oh why oh why did I decide like that? WHY?????

I was doing well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was getting along with everybody just FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was already on my way to advancement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was learning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG. OMG. I am going CRAZY.

What am I gonna do with myself?

whewwww…it feels somehow relieving to have jotted all of this down.

Well, I’m not yet losing my mind. I still have this flicker of hope that someday things will get better–even better. But for now, I have to learn how to deal with THIS feeling.

I can’t end my life just because of this. It’s not the end of the world for me. No. No.No.

I just have to put things into perspective and I know–I’m sure of it– that everything’s gonna be alright.

I have to start all over again. I don’t know how long it would take before I get another fulfilling and satisfying one. But I KNOW I will get it.

Hope. Faith. Right perspective. Positive disposition.

Whew.

Add comment March 19, 2009 antigone1286
Tags: dilemma

BLISS

I am not perfect. My life isn’t either.

But I’m very happy. And so much in love… with only one man who makes my heart melt at the mere thought of him.

It’s so heartwarming and funny how he was brought into my life. Out of all people… him. ^_^ I had never occured to me that he would be there the way he IS there right now.. But he is, and I am grateful, thankful, blissful.. for everything that happened.

I learned one very important lesson in the past: Don’t let anyone make your decision for you.

I once lost him, and I’m never going to let that happen again.

If I’m going to make a big decision in my life, it would be MY choice.

And right this very moment, I choose to stay this way–

I am happy. WE are happy.  ^_^

Add comment March 13, 2009 antigone1286